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Why Do I Always End Up With The Same Type of Partner?

| TJ Gibbs |

Have you ever wondered why you seem to keep attracting and dating the same type of partner? I don’t want to say the “wrong partners” as I believe that in every dating and relationship experience there are lessons we are meant to learn.  When you stop growing you start dying!

Part of the work on the Get Ready For Love Coaching Programme will help you raise your awareness, not just of what you are looking for in a Soul Mate, but also to identify patterns and programmes that may be contributing to your partner choices so far.  So it’s important when thinking about what you want to attract in a partner to first go a bit deeper and examine what and who you have been attracting in terms of love in your life so far.

A large part of the love choices you have made so far are based on what we call your “Love Programming”

Did you ever feel like you made love choices that satisfied you on one level, but on another level, you instinctively knew that they felt wrong or even toxic, almost with a knowing that this person was not good for you?  You may have been able to justify these choices to a point, both to yourself and others but perhaps there was part of you that felt divided or torn, a nagging doubt or voice that often resurfaced. If you have had this kind of experience, you were probably making your love choices from your love programming.

Your love programming does not take place on a conscious (thinking) level. Whilst your conscious mind may be judging or blaming your choices in partners, it is your love programming that is actually generating these choices on a deeper, subconscious level.

Research suggests that more than 95 percent of our behaviours can come from the unconscious or subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is where all the information about what has gone before in your life is stored. On one level it is there to protect us. It analyses and stores what is safe and what is dangerous for us so that we know for next time.

This works up to a point, but if we have received skewed messages about love and relationships, then these get stored in our unconscious too. For example, we saw our mother in self-sacrificing patterns with our father, or we saw a philandering father who we blamed as breaking up the family and yet we find ourselves repeating these behaviours or attracting these into our lives, despite ourselves.

To enable you to recognise how you may have been operating from your love programming, there are a number of indepth exercises in “Get Ready For Love” that lead to identify significant traits that you want to attract in a potential Soul Mate. You can then compare previous partners to see who you actually have been attracting.  

Some may already be obvious to you ie someone who constantly cheats or does not work however, some may not be so obvious until you take a closer look.


Here is a very brief exercise that can help you take a quick overview of these traits. You would need to carry out the full exercises in Get Ready For Love for an in-depth look into your Soul’s Mate and your Love Programming but this brief exercise will give you an idea.


Using a piece of paper or an online spreadsheet list the name of 4 previous partners

List 5 good attributes you might want in a partner as part of the list and 5 negative attributes you have experienced in another part.  Now Score each person out of 10 against how true this attribute appeared to you (with 1 being not true and 10 being totally true).

Positive Attribute     Person 1Person 2Person 3Person 4
Works Hard7758
Negative  Attribute     Person 1Person 2Person 3Person 4
Not Good With Money8736
Emotionally Unavailable7876

The Green rows highlight negative patterns that this person is attracting in partners, where the violet demonstrates the positive patterns. 


As we can see in this example this person's patterns indicate that they are generally attracting non-volatile partners who are financially generous and work hard, however, there are distinct patterns that these partners are also frivolous with their money which causes friction in a relationship.

There also appears to be issues with loyalty, faithfulness, honesty and emotional availability with the partners this person is attracting.  

In the areas where there are no patterns ie supportive, kind and boring these are not analysed as part of the individuals love programming.

Wrong ones 1As highlighted previously, our early life experiences can cause us to make love choices that aren’t necessarily supportive for us. With many of my female clients, love programming can often be traced back to their relationship with their father or father figure. If this was a woman I was working with I would look at these from the viewpoint of her relationship with the father figure in her life…he was probably distant, emotionally unavailable and spoilt her with “things” rather than time or love and this she has learnt to expect as love. Many attract the same type of partner subconsciously in order to attempt to fix the pain or void experienced with love whilst growing up.

Once you have identified your own Love Programming both positive and negative take a look at those that taught you how to love, parents and older siblings and recognise what consistencies you yourself have adopted.

Once you identify these you are already 50% towards changing them as you are empowered to stop yourself repeating your love choices via your love programming and make better conscious choices in the partners you are willing to attract


Thanks for Visiting TJ's Blog

Articles that TJ writes for Life & Love cover all steps in the cycle of love and include tips and advice for many dating or relationship issues. Her experience as a Love Therapist, Love Coach and Life Coach bring a real-life approach to everyday situations.

Remember life is for loving – that includes yourself!

Tj x


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