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Mature woman embraces partner

Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner

| TJ Gibbs |

Communication is everything when it comes to a healthy relationship. The chemistry of Love has a 7 year expiry date so if during that time you have not found ways to sort out day to day issues then expect to wake up one morning with the falling out of love feeling leaving your relationship half way to shut down.

Here are 7 statements not to say to your partner if your aim is to improve your relationship via better communication and respect:

I’m sorry you feel that way!

This is a superficial sounding statement. It may well back fire on you as it can be perceived as a shut-down comment that signals I am done talking.  This may well be the case but it will not have the desired effect I can promise you. If you no longer want to have the conversation then consider replacing this with “I really don’t want to keep on talking about this”.

However, if what you want to convey is that you are genuinely sorry that your partner is suffering then softening your response with a more caring “I am really sorry that you are upset”  and end it there – NEVER EVER FOLLOW WITH A BUT!”

I don’t think that is something to be upset about!

This statement means that you are in YOUR feelings and your head rather than ready to listen. If your partner is attempting to raise an issue that they are unhappy with, making it about you is going to add instant fuel to the fire. Good communication is understanding that every one thinks and reacts differently and understanding your partners triggers is essential to diffusing potential arguments. If you are genuinely not understanding what is upsetting them then simply ask – can you explain to me why this is so important to you?

Why cant you just let it go?

You are basically telling your partner to shut up! If there is something that keeps cropping up I can understand that it is irritating that your partner cannot seem to move on from the issue however, if it remains unresolved and you try to bury it rather than being aired then just like rotting fruit eventually it’s likely to start to spoil everything else.

This again!

This off the cuff statement is very similar to No 3 above but it is even more dismissive of your partners feelings.  This kind of statement can escape your lips before you even realise it and you are setting up a battle for yourself that your partner will attempt to convince you that they have a right to air the issue, so now you have two things to argue about. If it keeps coming up then maybe it’s time to stop spending energy resisting discussing it and put time aside to really understand the bottom line of this issue. 

Calm Down

Although your brain maybe screaming this try not to say it . If someone is screeching and hollering they are actually dissipating the energy that is built up around  the subject. If you can try to let them naturally calm down and switch off your reaction responses you are going to get a whole lot further both identifying and fixing the issue for good than if there is muted energy behind every loaded word.  This is not an easy one to achieve but it really is worth you practicing, whether it is your romantic partner, your child or your employee – simply asking them to sit down and speak calmly will be a lot more helpful than authoritatively telling someone how to express themselves.

You do that too!

They may well do but is that really the issue here? Probably not because if the fact that they do it to was a real problem then you would probably be the one raising it. This is deflection and what you are conveying to your partner is that they are not perfect either when what your partner is raising maybe a valid issue that you both can work on.  Try instead to own your part as well as the fact that you both are guilty as charged by possibly saying “well I guess it’s something we could both do with working on if its this important”

You are a liar!

Who hasn’t been caught in a lie then branded for ever more! It’s a really unhealthy stance to take in a relationship to label your partner for ever. There is not a person I have ever met who can honestly say that they have not lied.  This makes us all liars plus a whole lot of other imperfections. However, when you brand someone’s whole character with one element then you are setting up the person to always be in the wrong.  You are also setting up the likelihood that if they are accused constantly they may as well do it. Lying is a behaviour rather than a character trait for most (not all). If you genuinely believe you are in a relationship with a pathalogical liar then the real question is why are you still there? If you feel you are being lied to try to make it about you not about them. An example might be “when you lied about not going out with your friends then how can I trust what else you say” or “when you don’t tell me the truth it makes me feel that you are hiding other things as well”.

If your communication style consists of most of the 7 Not To’s above then you probably spend a lot of time at war with your other half. For some this is ok they like a good barney, but if for you it is draining and unhealthy then maybe adopt the changes above and you will be surprised that once your energy begins to change how your partner will react differently and you may actually resolve issues than spend your time just fighting.

Happy life means less strife!

Thanks for Visiting TJ's Blog

Articles that TJ writes for Life & Love cover all steps in the cycle of love and include tips and advice for many dating or relationship issues. Her experience as a Love Therapist, Love Coach and Life Coach bring a real-life approach to everyday situations.

Remember life is for loving – that includes yourself!

Tj x

 FOUNDER & PRIMARY THERAPIST

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