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Asian male LQBTQ lying down on bed with painful after fight argument.

Break the Cycle of Pain in Your Relationships in 4 Steps

| TJ Gibbs |

Old habits don’t have to control you or your partner. It’s possible to move past hurt and pain and discover joy in your relationship again.

Follow this 4-step process to break the cycle of pain once and for all:

  1. Understand the root of your pain. Why do you hurt others or allow them to hurt you? Look deep inside both your past and present to figure out the source of the pain. The root of your pain is unique to you, depending on your personal circumstances and how you “saw” them.

    1. In some cases, the source of the pain may have started during your childhood. You may have experienced childhood traumas or other negative experiences that continue to affect you in your adult life, including in your relationships.

    1. You may also have sources of pain from previous failed relationships and friendships.

    1. It’s also possible for other things to create pain, such as illnesses, mental health issues, relocations, and career transformations.

    1. Therapy may be helpful to help you find these events or past situations, understand them, and learn to think of them in ways that don’t negatively affect you today.

  2. Learn to forgive. It’s easy to get caught up in a cycle of blame and guilt, but forgiveness is the key to breaking the cycle. Learn to forgive yourself and others.

    1. If you’re always feeling hurt and resentful, it’s difficult to move on and change. However, forgiveness is crucial to the healing process. Without it, you may not be able to break the cycle of pain in a relationship.

    1. Forgiveness provides perspective and ways to look at the issues in a different way. It gives you the opportunity to heal the heart and spirit.

  3. Look for new role models. Are your current role models an effective source of inspiration for overcoming pain? It may be beneficial to find some new role models. Who do you admire, and who can serve as an example of being able to break the cycle of pain?

    1. You may want to look at your close circle of friends and family for role models. You can also search beyond this network and look for role models among famous people or celebrities.

    1. Past and present figures can be a source of inspiration for healing and building a positive, uplifting relationship.

  4. Change to positive behaviours. One of the issues of the cycle of pain is that you learn to use a preponderance of negative behaviours.

    Negative behaviours can include feeling like a victim, blaming others, and having dysfunctional relationships. They can also include being destructive or defensive all the time.

    Switching your behaviour patterns to interactions that are more positive can help.

    Instead of reacting to pain with a defensive attitude and crying, consider reshaping the behaviour
    1. to one where you’re more in control of your feelings. For example, you can react by stating how you feel without framing it like a victim.

    1. It’s important to remember that your reactions and behaviours can either alleviate the cycle of pain or make it worse. Plan in advance some things you can say or do that can help your situation rather than make it worse. Then, when such situations arise, follow your plan for more positive interactions.

The cycle of pain and hurt can be difficult to break in a relationship. However, it’s possible to move out of this cycle. Practice this process to help transform your relationship into one that supports you.

Thanks for Visiting TJ's Blog

Articles that TJ writes for Life & Love cover all steps in the cycle of love and include tips and advice for many dating or relationship issues. Her experience as a Love Therapist, Love Coach and Life Coach bring a real-life approach to everyday situations.

Remember life is for loving – that includes yourself!

Tj x


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